Having a best friend has been an elusive challenge for me. I had friends as a child who liked me well enough to play with me exclusively for a short time, but “weird” was a word often used to describe my personality. I was sensitive, another term used to describe me.
When I was in 6th grade, I had a best friend named Hilary. She was a year younger than I was, but we were in the same split-class. We also went to church together, which was nice, since there were so few LDS kids in the town and fewer that lived their religion. Hilary and I played together a lot, even going to each other’s houses sometimes. One day I came to school and she was with a group of 5th-graders who I had grown to understand were gossipy. Hilary came up to me and told me, in front of this group of girls, that she would no longer be my friend, because I liked Poppy, a less popular girl in my own grade. I was heartbroken. And I was angry, because Poppy was one of the nicest girls I knew because she didn’t care what others thought, and she tried to do what was right despite her less-than-ideal circumstances. I thought that was a pretty lame excuse to stop being my friend. It was a really hard thing for me to get over, too, because I was hoping for my friendship with Hilary to last forever. We had shared so many secrets, so many exciting adventures. But I’m glad I got that opportunity to know Poppy better and to lose my friendship with Hilary before I became what she did.
I remember, after this huge disappointment in friendship, looking through my older sisters’ yearbooks with wonder at the ads in the back. There would be full-page spreads dedicated to some glamorous girl proclaiming her to be the most wonderful daughter/sister/girlfriend/whatever, or a similar one for a guy expressing how manly and fabulous he was for being a great boyfriend/son/sports player/etc. Those ads were interesting, but the ones I was most fascinated by and spent the most time studying were the ads dedicated to a best friend. I saw pictures of two friends as preschoolers and then again as seniors in high school. It was mind-boggling for me to imagine being so close to someone for so many years.
I had a group of friends in middle and high school and, for an unexplained reason, we all clung loosely to each other. We really didn’t have much in common. We all looked different, practiced various religions, came from all manner of family situations, and had few similar interests. We had classes together and really didn’t fit in to any clique. I wonder now why we were friends. I didn’t hang out with any of them outside of school. We shared personal things with each other and became excited for each other when the boy we liked spoke to us or looked at us, but we didn’t have sleepovers or hug each other or anything like that. I didn’t even have a relationship like that with a sister. My journal was my best friend. I wrote many times about how I wished I had someone, male or female, who would listen to me and share my innermost thoughts. How I wished I could post a picture in the yearbook my senior year with someone who cared to declare that we were BEST FRIENDS!
Sam and I have been married for over eleven years. We have shared so much and I can honestly say that he is my best friend. Our secrets are shared, and there is nothing that can break that strong cord binding us together. Sam is the most amazing man I have ever met, real or fictional. He has taught me more about myself and about the world in the time I’ve known him than all I learned in the 19 years I lived before. I have learned to forgive myself and others, to speak up for myself, to love people and understand why they make certain mistakes (including myself), and among many other things, how to just be myself. Also, he has taught me to realize that “men are that they might have joy,” and that joy can be found in all things.
It seems like a recurring theme in my life is that whenever I make a close friend, she has to move away. I don’t understand why this keeps happening, but inevitably, it does. I am still trying to be a good friend. Having a best gal friend is still a goal in the future. Sam encourages me to make friends and try to find people who will enrich my life, build me up, and give me happiness. I can’t imagine a better friend than that.
17 comments:
Wow, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Women need each other. I believe that is why Relief Society is so inspired, (even though sometimes I have a hard time in there... but that's another story!). My closest girl friends that I've had in my adult life have come through the visiting teaching program. Heavenly Father knows we need each other.
It's so important to feel like we're best friends with our husbands. They are the ones we will spend eternity with, after all, and can you imagine the thought of spending eternity with someone we don't consider our best friend?? I know people like that, my sister among them. It's sad. You are blessed to have Sam, and he is blessed to have you.
Rachel, you are one of the best friends I've ever had, because you just love me anyway. Plus, you are just fun to hang out with and you appreciate everything I do, which makes me like to be around you more. And heck, your kids are loads of fun and they're gorgeous. And I miss Sam, too. I liked to surprise him with cookies from Hwy 30.
Thanks, Rachel, again, for this blog. It reminds me of the days when your parents hated me and sent you across the country to get away from my influence! We wrote so much that I fell in love with your words. Writing has a power that talking doesn't. They are permanent. They can be read over and over and over, and can sink deeper.
I have thought of the close friendships that I have had in my life and how lucky I am. It is sad to have the changes that occur. Many close friends have been temporary, but I have learned from each of them and like the Borg have assimilated strengths and knowledge, compassion and ideas, that I have learned from them.
I have often thought of the unfairness of losing friends, that are so close. I then think of my father, a very lovable, friendly man. A person without enemy and brains enough to share. Yet, he has never had a close friend. His spouses have never been his best friend, and in a single moment of my life, my step-mother (A.K.A. - Mom) told me that Dad is jealous of me because He has never had a true friend. Not jealous in the, I don't love that person, but the - I want to be that person, way. It really opened my eyes and made me grateful for the connections in my life.
16 years ago, Summerfam shared with me one of her favorite hymns. I believe it's 293 - 'Each Life That Touches Ours For Good.' It's a song about death, but it is more about the impact of eternal friendships and it is beautiful. I read it on Sunday at church, and couldn't finish it. (It's not good to cry in public for no apparent reason.)
Thank you, Rachel for being there for me. I know you always will be. I have been coming to terms with the temporariness of life. It's hard for me to want to do things that are one-time, possibly-never-again moments. I don't like letting go, but that's why we have eternal families and we are not sealed to our friends! Nice thought though.
I miss the cookies, too. It's too bad, Tigerlilly, that you moved away because we all miss you. Hopefully, you are finding friends and starting a new family where you are. Remember when we first met and that you hated me? All relationships have less desirable parts like that. Don't give up on someone because of those moments, having them gives you contrast for your love.
I couldn't spend so much time with someone I didn't enjoy being around, or someone who didn't like me as much as I like him. I would be a miserable person without a best friend for a husband.
But, like summersfam said, women do need each other. I am glad that you, Bep, have spent some time in La Grande as an adult with me so that we can grow closer and understand each other so much better. I'm sad you're gone, but you get to move on with your life in a place you need to be right now.
I'm trying to make new friends in Relief Society, too, but I'm not getting very close to any one woman. Though I've been in this ward for a year, I have a lot of friendly acquaintances but nobody I can really count as a friend. This is sort of what I'm talking about in the blog. I don't want to lessen the meaning of my relationship with Sam, but I want to express the need for friends that are girls, too. I don't expect to be sealed to them...unless our kids decide to make us in-laws or something cool like that!
Try the old lady section in Relief Society. They're my favorite. It takes me soooooo long to feel comfortable in a new ward. We have been in our current ward for 3 years now, and I still don't feel completely comfortable.
It's funny, when I was first married there was a group of girls who did a girls' night thing, and I was often invited. I hated it. HATED IT. I would go because I felt like I should go when I was invited, but I sure didn't enjoy it. I would have so much rather spent the evening with my husband. Then I had kids. What is it about having kids that suddenly makes me need women in my life like never before? I think because motherhood can not be understood by anyone except another mother. It's so complex. That's why I enjoyed your post on motherhood so much. I can totally relate, and I love it when I hear something that rings so true.
Oh, and in-laws!! I hadn't thought of that! I'm busy matching my kids up in my head as I type this... Do arranged marriages exist anymore??
Apparently un-arranged marriages exist!
You are so right, summersfam! The older ladies are fun. They appreciate what I'm going through and are not afraid to be honest about their lives. And the girls' night out thing is so painful for me, too. There's a group of gals who do that and I'm so happy that they include me, but I just don't do well in a big group, especially of women. Never have.
Our oldest daughter, Cambria, is 9. She is so excruciatingly indecisive about everything. Once, when she started noticing boys, Sam told her that he would pick her boyfriends and then her husband. She happily agreed. So I've kept my eye out for cute, sweet boys who will be a good match for her in about fifteen years or so. Fun stuff! Arranged marriages sound fabulous.
Do you think Cambria would object to a younger man? I have a really cute, sweet 8 year old. And Casey and Cambria is just cute.
Or if that won't work-- I have a 6 year old daughter (who is a little strong-willed, but hopefully it's a phase), a 4 1/2 year old daughter, and a 9-month old daughter. What do you think?
Hmm...My 7-year-old son with your 6-year-old daughter would maybe work. My nearly 6-year-old son would work with your 4 1/2-year-old...and a younger man for Cambria may be just what she needs...
I was thinking more like thirty years, but I could go as low as twenty-eight. (until we let Cambria get married.)
Rachel, before you start offering Si to someone else, I think he's already engaged to Sonnet. Maybe not this week, but I'm sure he was last week -- and if not, probably next week.
So I was thinking about this last night (making wedding plans, etc), and it dawned on me. Fifteen years ago this month I was starting my first year of Ricks. Fifteen years from now, I could very well be a mother-in-law, and a ..... gulp..... a GRANDMA!! Wha?? Hyperventilating here.... Does that disturb anyone else in this company?
And sorry to break it to you, Sam, but remember what it's like to be 22 years old? Yeah. Don't think they'll be waiting till they're 40 to get married.
Yes, I have had a few best friends in my day and they never stick around forever. What's up with that? What happened to the notion of "best friends forever"?
I find that the older I get the harder it is to have a best friend. Mostly women my age are so caught up with raising their families that they don't have the ability to go and "hang out" with me. So I really rely on my sisters to fill that gap in my life. It's nice to know that they still love me after all these years and they will never stop being my friends. They are my "best friends forever".
By the way, you are my best cousin forever. I wish we lived closer and then we could hang out more. I think we have a lot in common and would have some great times!
Thanks, Mattie Rae! I'm glad we're still best cousins forever. I know what you mean about gals our age being caught up in raising their families and everything. But anyone would want you to hang out with them, I'm sure. I know I do. You have so much fun!
I have had some of these EXACT same feelings, and thought I was the only one! Maybe everyone feels this way, and we're all striving to attain something that really doesn't exist. Maybe we see glimmers of "BFF" when we're young, and then as we grow older (and our needs, responsibilities, and depth change) we expect those same connections, when really there is no such thing because of what we have become - adults. I have a really hard time investing myself in relationships because it seems like, inevitably, the other person moves, or becomes too busy for me, or just isn't as passionate about remaining friends as am I, which makes me feel like a loser without a life. That would explain why we have lived in this neighborhood for almost a year and I still don't know a single soul (and I say a hearty, "here, here!" to not being a "group" type of person. If I could just get someone in a one-on-one situation...) Luckily we have good luck in the husband department (oh, and the cousin department - aren't we all fabulous?!), or how lonely this world would be!
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